Sunday, 30 September 2012

senses

I'm not sure if it is because spring has sprung (although here in North Queensland that doesn't really count for much considering we go from boiling stinking hot most of the year to not-so-hot for a little bit and then back again) but lately I feel like my senses are unravelling from a long hiatus. Lord knows when winter isn't cold enough to wear sleeves or shoes, chances are nothing is hibernating....but nonetheless, my spidey-senses have been a-tinglin' - so I thought I would dedicate this post to the 5 senses.....

Sight
A habit of mine that annoys Jon no end is watching the same movies over and over again. One of these movies for me is Amelie. I love it. I love everything about it. I love the visual, the colours, the story, the characters, even the bloody accents! But what I love most about it is the feeling I get after watching it. You know those movies that make you feel so happy and hopeful and just "fuzzy" inside.  If I could be any amount as optimistic and trusting in fate and the goodness of mankind that Amelie is - then this phase in my life would be a lot lot LOT easier. I try really hard, I try to be conscious of others around me and not caught up in my own misery. I try to not let it affect me in my day to day goings on - but every now and then (read: probably more than that) I have a reaction to something someone says or does that normally wouldn't bother me but is wrapped in my self pity and "why-me?"s. If you have ever been on the receiving end of one of these reactions - I apologise - please stick with me - I promise this positivity thing is getting better by the day :)

Sound
With the recent purchase of my new laptop (*ahem*macbook*ahem*loveit*) and my complete and utter lack of technical savvy - I have had to spend a bit of time this week downloading some tunes to fill my newly empty Ipod (did I mention lack of technical savvy? that thing took like 3 seconds to wipe - who knew?). I can't tell you how long it has been since I listened to Violent Femmes - Add It Up but can I tell you its still good - like really good. Soundgarden, Mazzy Starr, Jane's Addiction, Beck, Tool, Stone Temple Pilots etc etc - so good! As my ears enjoyed that trip down memory lane, my brain wandered to days of long summers spent cruising in friend's cars sipping blue slushies and doing beach cruises, skipping school to go to Airlie Beach to get my first tattoo (and lying to the tattooist about being old enough) and other assorted teenage memorabilia. Those days are the ones I hope I never forget - because they make me happy to remember how much fun we had. Sure I made some dumb decisions (tattoo around belly button anyone?) and have lost touch with a lot of the people that meant so much to me then - but it makes me so happy to think that I lived and learned and am an adult who won't regret never having the freedom to enjoy my youth. It also makes me feel like when Jon and I have a child/children of our own I will have some leg to stand on when I say "I was your age once - I know what you kids get up to" and hopefully have the life lessons learned to give the best advice and guidance to maybe do things differently to me - or maybe the same - I didn't do that bad of a job surely?

Touch
I love to sew - I am not particularly good at it - but I really enjoy the process of picking up a needle and thread and putting something together that didn't exist before. Fortunately for me I have a plethora of friends who are constantly churning out babies for me to test these sewing skills on. This week saw the arrival of one of these friend's babies so I got to work on a widdle bunny wabbit to go her way. I know my handmade gifts are a bit wonky and saggy and not very Fisher Pryce-y but they are made with love and care and best intentions - it's all I can really give that means something from me. It makes me think of being a kid and spending weekends at my Nan's house with my mum - while they laboured over making clothes and toys and adorning shoes with sequins and recycling every bit of fabric and old clothing we had to make something new. I hated it as a child - I wanted all the brand name stuff with the new tags on like any kid would I suppose. But we were always dressed nice and never went without a thing (my mum even made us sleeping bags! Mine had Donald Duck on it and an inbuilt pillow - genius that old bird of mine!) and as an adult with a mortgage and all the trappings of modern life I GET IT now. So if these hands of mine can pass on even a portion of my family's tradition for recycling and remaking and creating I will be very happy - and so will my bank balance.

Smell
Being sick makes me a sook. I spent 3 days (literally - not exaggerating - 3 days!!) in bed sick this week and all I wanted was someone to fetch me drinks and pat my head with a wet towel and rub my achey limbs and all that stuff. But the one thing that will always make me feel better is freshly laundered bedding. That smell of fresh sheets, fabric softener and sunshine dried - LUSH! I don't know if she will even remember it - but I have a friend who a very long time ago once did the simple act of washing my sheets and having my bed fresh and ready for me when I got home. I probably didn't say it at the time - and she probably doesn't even remember - but that simple act made a really horrible situation just that little bit better and I really appreciated it and loved her for it. That's why people like that are still in my life - and why I love her and all the friends and family who have been/are there to support us at the moment. 

Taste
With the Clomid I have been taking, my taste buds have been all over the shop - mostly towards the stodge shop unfortunately. Bread, pasta, rice, noodles, potatoes, pastry etc - I guess thats what they were referring to with the "you may experience bloating" warning. It seems to have calmed down somewhat with this second round so I have been enjoying a bit of fruit and veg ( DO NOT even mention pumpkin to me at the moment though - bleccchhhh!) - hopefully this is a good practice round for morning sickness and cravings and all that fun stuff I hopefully have to look forward to. If I go to the next round of Clomid it will be double the strength that we are taking now - god help me, Jochheims Pie Shop better close for that month or I am in BIG trouble! Fingers crossed there is no third round though ;)

To end this week I would like to say a big big big WELCOME TO THE WORLD to miss Aaliyah Kay Upkett - the newest addition to my darling friend Lisa and her partner Dallas' lives. Cannot wait for cuddles xx



Sunday, 23 September 2012

Beginnings

I find the beginnings of things harder than the finishing a lot of time. This blog has been an idea in my head for a long time - floating and bumping around with all the other "projects" I like to give myself and never actually find the time to start. Well, not this time. Today is the beginning of a new me - who isn't going to be afraid to start things - a jump-on-in'er is what I am going to be. 
The purpose for wanting to start a blog is two-fold actually. The first being a form of self-prescribed therapy and a change to my internalising ways. The second being a form of diary/note keeping/timeline of this journey that we have been travelling down for some time now - the baby-makin' phase of our life together. More details will follow, of course, but I feel I should probably just put it out there that there was an actual purpose for this new beginning.
I want to remember to appreciate the good things in life when being faced with a difficult situation - the process of noting these "good things" down and giving myself the time to enjoy them plus have a handy go-to reference book  blog can only be a good thing right?
Ok so now I have got all that off my chest - I am going to jump right on in to this week's post.

Something that I am thankful for:

Cheesy, predictable and probably to his embarrassment I am going to have to call out my old buddy, old pal Jonny on this. Jonathan Brewster, Jonny, Jonno, Jdawg, Jdizzle - whatever you like to call him -  the dude is pretty amazeballs. He doesn't say a lot, and when he does a lot of the time it's in a whisper - but what he does say is usually exactly what I need to hear - especially if I am in need of a dressing down. 
We are having a particularly rough patch at the moment with some particularly nasty fertility medications which make me, well, particularly nasty. A raging, psychopathic, emotional wreck of a cow some may say. Ps I say "we" because even though I am the one taking the drugs, Jonny is the one with all the patience of a saint (85% of the time-which is understandable), the one with his arms always ready for a cuddle when I break down into one of my eleventy hundred sob-fests for the week and the one who is really doing all the hard work. 
I am not going to turn this into a gush - I just want to say that all those years ago when I invited the quiet young fella from work to come for a drink after we finished - and we spent the entire night chatting to only each other (and downing far too many pints of some crappy Wetherspoons ale) I don't think I could have got it more right. And for that I am truly grateful.

Something that made me happy:

Again, its probably very predictable - especially for you pet owners out there - but is there anything that can put a smile on your face faster than the love and affection of a dog? In our case - the universe delivered us a real doozey - Ringo Buddy Bingo! Sure, he is the cause of our wooden floors looking like a bloody barber shop floor most of the time. And yeah, 28 kilos of dog plonking down on your chest at 5am followed by a lick to the face isn't the best way to start the day. But when I am having one of my aforementioned sob-fests and there is no Jonny to be seen - laying face down on the bed feeling pretty miserable about it all - and I feel the also aforementioned 28 kilos jump up on the bed, lay down beside me and put his nose on my arm - well, how can you stay sad? We might not have a human child to fill the void that is in our hearts, but man are our hearts full to bursting with the love we have for our dog-child. An absolute personality packed, disobedient, smiling, loyal, annoying, inappropriate (why do neutered dogs hump everything in sight?), hilarious dog child who makes me happy every single day.

Something I am looking forward to:
Weirdly, and for me it is weird as I tend to dwell on the negative alot (hence the need to start this blog), I am really looking forward to starting my second round of Clomid this week. Of course I was devastated when the obvious signs the first round didn't work occured. Of course I was disappointed and sad and all that stuff. But it wasn't long before I realised that I have another sheet of Clomid in my medicine cabinet - and that is more than what we had when we started this journey of fertility testing and treatment. We have so many more answers now - and we have a lovely doctor (Dr Trimble - I even like saying her name) who is taking care of us - and that is a GREAT improvement on where we were at a year ago so - yay! Yay! for realising that the story isn't set in stone for us yet - and that we are doing everything we possibly can to make this work. And Yay! for knowing that it is going to pay off, whenever that might be is a-ok with me. For now, I am pretty chuffed with this new "positivity" deal - so YAY!

So thats my first week's post and it wasn't anywhere near as painful as I thought it would be. See Sara? Beginnings are definately worth it.