Dr: Any luck yet?
Dr: Ok, so you have 2 rounds of Clomid left. Now is probably a good time to start thinking about a Plan B.
Me: Okaaaaaaaayyyyyyy (slightly worried face)
Dr: Now I know most people don't have tens of thousands of dollars to spend on IVF, so you need to make sure you are realistic about what your options are.
Me: Okaaaaaaaayyyyyyy (even worrieder face, and thinking all the while "why did Dr Trimble and her positive attitude have to leave meeeeeeeeee!!!????)
Truth is, he IS right. And it's not like J and I haven't had these discussions before. But this whole time, I have been hoping for someone to tell me that it's definately, absolutely, for SURESIES gonna happen for us - on this date, at this time and you are going to handle it perfectly.
But that's not gonna happen, and there is a chance that this isn't gonna happen either, so................
Where does that leave J and I?
IVF? We can't afford right now.
Adoption? One for and one against = a stalemate?
Keep trying? Not appealing for either of our sanities....
And just when I thought I couldn't get any more confused!
I look at J sometimes and think "he'd be better off without me", "he'd have a chance with someone else", "he doesn't deserve this". Not to try and sound like a martyr or anything - but that's how much I love this dude. I honestly contemplate leaving him so he could have a chance at a better life with someone else.
And there is my clue - we love each other enough
- to go through all this hurt and disappointment, stress and anguish,
- to make bringing a little piece of each other into the world our top priority,
- to realise that if this Clomid doesn't result in a pregnancy and we have no other options at this time - that we will be fine.
Now all that being said, I still have 2 months worth of stinky, foul tasting Clomid tablets to gobble up, and, as Dr WhatsHisName so helpfully pointed out, "there is no reason it won't work".
So here's to staying positive and a lucky number (20)13!