Saturday, 17 November 2012

Round 4 - ding ding!

Round 4 of Clomid begins this week with a fight - arms swinging, legs kicking, lots of swearing, sweat and stubbornness - it is time for this shit to WORK already!

I am actually surprising myself how easy it is to deal with disappointment and stay positive these days. I didn't even cry this time when Round 3 didn't work!
And then I take a look around at some of the women that I have in my life and I guess it all starts making sense. How could I NOT be strong when I have their stories of inspiration to draw on. In fact, I feel like what we are dealing with probably pales in comparison (although still valid in it's own right).

Probably the best example of have of this I have is my Nan. Ellie to those who love her. She was widowed when my mum was around 5 years old. Her husband had to take seasonal farm work (jackaroos they were called) all around Australia to earn a living - and was actually all the way down in Victoria when he died. And so there was my Nan, single woman raising 8 children on her own. She refused to claim government assistance because she was petrified that the government would take her children away. 

This probably stems from hearing stories from her dad about his treatment by the government and their, for lack of a better word, SHITHOUSE treatment of indigenous people back in those days. Nan's dad (Pop) had been forcibly removed from his community and area he grew up in because he refused to work for no money. He was a "trouble maker" because he didn't do as he was told - so he was packed up and sent to Palm Island. Anyone who is from our area knows the reputation Palm Island has now - I have no idea what it was like back then - needless to say he didnt stay there long, but those scars of being taken from his mob, his family, his community, his country by his government were with him till the day he died - and passed on to my Nan too no doubt.

She got a full time job and soldiered on - raising her family with the help of her two eldest children who left school to be able to help. She weathered the storm of being as single parent (in a time VERY different to now) without ever taking another husband or boyfriend. She suffered the devastating and sudden loss of 3 of her children. She raised 4 of her grandchildren (one with special needs) on her own - and still have one of those grandchildren living with her to this day). And all without a moment of complaint or self pity or asking for help. Just getting on with .... well ..... getting on.

I see a lot of that spirit in my mum now - she lives and breaths for her work - trying to make our community a better place for everyone - even though she is exhausted and worn out and spat out and has nothing left in the reserve tanks - she just gets on with it.

Similarly, my friends who draw on strength and maturity beyond our years to deal with children with illness and behavioural disorders, relationship breakdowns, single parenthood, lack of financial stability and just the e-x-h-a-u-s-t-i-o-n of day to day life really reinforce to me the power of positive thinking, of how much support you can be to someone if you just open your ears and heart (and sometimes your arms); and how we are equipped, as women, to fight every battle thrown at us - especially if that battle involves family.

So thank you to those beautiful women in my life who make me realise every day how fortunate AND ferocious I am. You really put the "ding" in my swing and this fight is about to end in a knockout!

Thanks again for reading folks xx

PS Huge-mongous WELCOME TO THE WORLD little Evie Cole - so so happy we have finally got to meet you and have a cuddle (even if it did start in tears haha). 
PPS I promise more pics, less dribbling on next time - life has been too hectic to even get the camera out - sad :(

Monday, 5 November 2012

The Elephant in the Room - an unfortunate use of this saying?

There's an elephant in the room - a topic that most people don't want to bring up when discussing our fertility journey - probably for fear of offending me or rubbing salt into "tender" wounds.

I am a big girl, both physically and emotionally. I wasn't always big physically (emotionally - always), although it has been so long since I was skinny I barely remember. According to a counsellor I used to see, my weight gain could be attributed to a time in my life where I was particularly vulnerable and was a subconscious decision to prevent myself from being a target physically. I am not sure if I buy into all that - just like I wasn't sure that my counsellor was any less crazy than how I felt at that time.

Either way, and for whatever reason, my weight has fluctuated (usually in the positive) a LOT since I was around 20 years old.

Some medical professionals have pointed out to me that a 5% drop in my weight could increase the chances of conceiving naturally by as much as 20%. Others have not placed as much stock in the importance of my weight in our fertility process.

Luckily - I am a realist - I know that being as healthy as possible could only be beneficial. I have stopped smoking and binge drinking (let's not count Fishing Classic weekend ok?) and I make more conscientious decisions about what I put in my body and my levels of physical activity. The results have been slow moving - but are there none the less. I mean, to go from NEVER drinking water - like literally EVER - to drinking 2 litres a day has gotta earn me some brownie points right?

The truth is, and this is NOT a cop out, I don't consider a person's physical appearance their most importance feature. I think if you are happy and healthy, and live your life in a considerate and humane way- that should be enough. Regardless of a person's size, there will always be areas that they aren't happy with. Don't get me wrong, if I woke up looking like Mila Jovovich you wouldn't be able to wipe the smile off my face for days but I bet I would still look in the mirror every now and then and wish my teeth weren't THAT perfect or my legs THAT long.

It is my humble opinion that both men and women have far too much pressure on them these days to look, act and feel a certain way. Individuality isn't looked at as a positive thing. Children strive to be "sexy" instead of smart or sporty or good human beings. The Kardashians and Paris Hilton's of this world earn billions of dollars being brash and soul-less and materialistic drones - while honest, humble professions like nurses, teachers and scientists are payed minimally and celebrated even less. "He's not tough enough - he must be weak/gay", "She's too fat/too skinny/not fashionable enough" "They don't earn enough money, they can't afford a new car", "She's a slut", "He's a fag" etc etc blah blah fricken blah. 

The worst part of it all is we do it to each other and ourselves. Like trying to get ahead in this world isn't hard enough without having our peers being all judgy wudgy. It is so unnecessary, unhelpful and unkind. Which is why I will continue to strive to be happy and healthy within myself - but the rest can figure itself out. If I stay the same size, so be it. If I drop a size or two - cool beans. Like I said last week, I have had the revelation that I have all I need to be content - the love of a good man and a family (Jon's AND mine) and friends who care, love and support us. A smaller butt would just be the icing on the cake a bonus.

My top 5 ways to make me happy this week:

  • a visit from my little brother - far too short (the visit, not him!) but always lovely to see his cheeky face 
  • watching a film called War of the Buttons - so sweet and heartwarming and adorable (even despite having to read subtitles)
  • Eating the vegetables from our garden that Jdog so lovingly and carefully tends to every day - carrots, zucchini, beetroot, herbs-a-plenty mmmm mmmm!
  • The new Gary Clark Jr album - meaty bluesy guitary goodness! Makes me wanna dance, drink whiskey and smoke a billion cigarettes - all at once!
  • My first swim of the "summer" season in the ocean - took the puppies for a dip and could have stayed in for hours - there is no better beach-ing town on earth at this time of year than my sleepy old Bowen - lush....

Thanks for reading yet again xx