February has proved about exciting as a Norah Jones album (or Bore-ah Jones as I like to call her). There isn't really anything to report...yet again.
The full steam momentum we seemed to start this trying-to-conceive journey with appears to have fizzled out. Where before I would be so emotionally invested in the set backs and disappointments, I now find myself emotionally bankrupt - not that I don't care, just that I have nothing left to react appropriately (or even inappropriately).
Have I just learnt to expect bad news? Have I conditioned myself to accept that this journey will never end with a child of our own - and that these steps are merely to show we tried everything we could? How exactly do I let go completely an allow fate to take it's course? Is this something that everyone struggles with?
I suppose it doesn't help that I am fiercely independent (unashamedly so) and the thought of people "feeling sorry" for me makes me want to vomit. I am the take-care-of-er not the take-care-of-ee - what a struggle that is for my brain to deal with! But it's probably not a bad life lesson to learn - even at 32 years old.
Patience and positivity - the words that bump around in my brain tank on the daily - such wonderful virtues to possess - but seriously, do they come naturally to ANYONE? I am still "take a breath and count to ten"ing most days...not a bad method to slow myself/my natural reaction to difficult situations down - but cripes it would be so much easier if it was natural habit instead of so forced!
Dr WhatsHisName (I actually do know his name - I just like the way it sounds) has extended our Clomid treatment by 3 months. I suspect he is buying us some time until our waiting period for private health cover expires - but whatever the reason I am eternally grateful - what a champ!
And in a further twist, I am about to re-enrol myself in uni (after a disastrous attempt 14 years ago) - not 100% sure what course yet - but I do have a short list. I figure what better way to test fertility fate than signing up for the constraints of full time study whilst full time working...Murphy's Law - come at me!
Thanks again for stopping by - hopefully something a little more riveting next time.