Thursday, 4 April 2013

Hints and Tips #1

Being the Helpful Harry that I am, I thought I would jot down some pointers I think might be useful for someone starting the trying-to-conceive-but-not-doing-so-well journey.

1. If I had a dollar for every time someone has said to me "once you relax and stop thinking about it, it will happen"I could probably afford to buy myself a Brangelina style family on the black market. Same applies to the "my friend/aunt/cousin/neighbour/etc did <insert suggestion here> and it worked first time!" or "you should a) eat, b) drink, c) pray to..." old faithfuls.
Some days it makes me want to scream, and other days it doesn't bother me so much.
Truth is, I am the Queen of nervous babbling in awkward situations - and let's face it, what is more awkward than having a conversation with someone about their reproductive organs/sex life?
So I smile, nod, agree and remember - the person offering the advice is someone who cares enough to want the best for us - and that is something to be grateful for.

2. Dudes and dudettes just don't think the same. It's just.....science.....or something. Like the age old battle of the toilet seat position, the confusion at how a person can actually WANT to watch that much sport on television or the heated discussions about exactly how much is appropriate or necessary to spend at the hair salon each month - dealing with being an Infertile Myrtle will slap you in the face with a few more examples.
He will never understand what it feels like to have your insides poked, prodded, peered at and scrutinised. 
He couldn't possibly ever get how the maternal instinct in you makes it impossible to concentrate on anything much - other than getting the job done. 
He WILL look at you funny when you get teary at a Huggies ad, and he WILL complain when you put another episode of One Born Every Minute on. 
And he probably will only have a 50/50 strike rate of saying the right/wrong thing when you are feeling down. It's just....science...or nature.....or whatever.
But just remember this:
YOU will never have any idea how much HE hurts every time you have a set back, because he will be busy being strong for you.
You won't understand how helpless he feels when he sees you cry or go through yet another uncomfortable procedure, because he will be trying his best to cheer you up.
There are probably no words he could use to describe how dented and damaged he gets with every bit of bad news - but even if there were, how often would anyone ask how HE feels?
It will be true in almost every aspect of your partnership - you will see things differently, react to the same situations differently, you will have two separate sets of emotions.
But at the end of the day, you are a team working together towards the same goal and all that other little stuff JUST DOESN'T MATTER. Like someone once told me, just because someone doesn't love you the exact way you want to be loved - doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have.

3. "Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand" Mark Twain
Even though my cheeks take over my face and squish my eyes up, my teeth look horsey, I snort and generally look like a doofus - I loves me a good laugh! I find humour in the smallest, stupidest things (YouTube blooper/gag reels anyone?) - and am fortunate enough to be surrounded by some pretty hilarious people in my day to day life. 
It sounds cheesy, but laughter really can be the best medicine and a fantastic distraction even if just for a minute. 
So my suggestion is: get yourself a "store" of funny movies/tv shows and whenever you are feeling like poop - chuck one on, put your feet up and let those snorts rip! 
ps if anyone was interested my current favourites are Parks and Recreation, Ricky Gervais stand up DVDs and Step Brothers (animation movies also work a treat too - Totoro and Mary and Max being two of my repeats)

4. When dealing with a crisis - it soon becomes apparent which friends and family are "available" for you - unconditionally. 
For some, dealing with your "woe is me" moments will be too much (totally understandably). 
For others, letting you ugly-cry over a glass (ok... a bottle) of wine while cursing your ovarian function isn't a biggy. 
My suggestion: figure out who you can rely on to support you and TALK - talk as often as you want or need. Share your fears, hopes and feelings - preferably with wine (everything is better with wine - right?). 
Don't bottle that stuff up - because if and when you start those fertility meds, you are gonna erupt like Mt Krakatoa in a completely irrational, uncontrollable way - and that is HEAPS worse than an ugly-cry! 
Just remember to return the favour - pay it forward and learn from these awesome people how to be the best listener/friend possible - and ALWAYS bring wine ;)

2 comments:

  1. You're so right! Becoming a mother has made me realise that I have to be more patient and gentle with my other half. He is right there beside me every step of the way but as you said, men are infinitely different to women so when he does a good deed (washing up, cleans bathroom, takes rubbish out) I praise him up big. I don't need the praise but he does. I've also realised that I was a pretty crap friend to my friends that already have children. I feel bad for it and I'm trying to make up for it now. It's never too late right?!

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  2. I bet you are being hard on yourself and you weren't a crap friend at all - when people are at different stages of their life their priorities and interests change - can't be helped...... It's not your place to change just because your friend has a baby - and vice versa. Besides, you are far too busy now being supermum to your own squiddy to worry about "making up" for anything, onwards and upwards chickadee xx

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