Is it A) not allow myself to even THINK about this first step in our infertility journey not working? Do I not prepare myself for the disappointment by not contemplating it? And when the (what seems like inevitable) disappointment comes - am I allowed to be annoyed?
Or do I B) try and remain as positive as possible - despite the set-backs - but all the while sneakily plan out the disappointment and how to deal with it in my head? Plan B seems a bit cheaty - like pretending to be positive on the outside but on the inside really being realistic (I am starting to really fricken hate reality lately! haha).
All jokes aside, it is very confusing to me - as I really want to be one of these people who can look on the bright side of things, who can see the silver lining to every cloud, who can do all the other cliché things that positive thinkers do.
But for now, I guess I will just take each day as it comes, deal with the disappointment as best I can (I am not gonna lie - there are ugly moments) and always try and rein in my thinking to the "positive" realm. Ps if there are any tried and true positive thinkers out there- please feel free to drop me a line with some ideas on how keep my focus and positive-think the sh*t outta this situation.
Ok, now without sounding like Captain Obvious - I guess I should share that the Clomid hasn't /didn't work. By god we gave it a good go - but it just wasn't meant to be.
My last appointment with Dr Whatshisname was fine - totally what I was expecting ("don't give up", "unexplained fertility counts for 30% of infertility cases", "end of the road for public health" blah blah blah) and a little embarrassing getting teary in front of two student doctors (the girl one was really nice and rubbed my arm - the boy one got nervous and looked at the wall - ughhh boys! Dorks! haha).
So what does this mean? - well for now, not a whole lot. We had, foolishly some may say, put off signing up for private health cover because we wanted so badly not to need it. So now that we have had to bite the bullet and sign up AND wait out the "non-covered" period - our actual IVF coverage won't kick in until early 2014 - and there is no way we can afford to start IVF without it (although, to be honest, the whole how much it's gonna cost with/without private health cover thing still confuses me a bit - needless to say it's gonna be a LOT!).
In the meanwhile, we are planning on getting as much as possible done to the house and garden (warning: if considering buying a 100 year old house and you don't know diddly-squat about DIY home renos and you don't earn enough to pay someone else to do it for you - RECONSIDER!), re-focusing ourselves and our goals for the next few years into manageable chunks (study - eeeeeeek!) and spending as much time together NOT stressing. It's going to be a bit of a change - but a welcome one. And you just never know what could happen in the meanwhile ;)
So. To steer the thought train back onto the positive track, here is:
Something I am looking forward to: meeting up with my old mate Anna this weekend in Townsville.
We haven't seen each other since she visited Bowen in 2008. She was such a huge part of my time living overseas - I don't think I would have survived as long as I did without her friendship and ability to keep up with my pint drinking prowess - so I am very excited to be seeing her lovely face again this weekend - minus the copious amounts of Stella Artois. Yay!
Something I am grateful for: my ma and pa.
I know most everyone thinks their parents are the greatest (after you grow up from the teenage-parent-hate phase) but I honestly have no idea where Jon and I would be without my oldies. They aren't perfect and they aren't saints - but what they are is exactly what we need. Always there to listen to my whinging and then snap me back to reality (please note I only refer to MY whinging - pretty sure Jdog doesn't have a moaning bone in his body - fricken robot! haha), always there to offer advice when needed but not overstep the boundaries of parenting and meddling, always available to puppy sit when we take some much needed chill time together and most importantly - always there to remind me of what is important in this lifetime - a family who supports you without spoiling you, loves you without smothering you and needs only each other's company to thrive. We really truly are blessed.
Something I am enjoying: the weather!
Something I am lusting after: these bedside tables.
Image via abeautifulmess.com
I haven't been doing a lot of crafting/creative stuff lately - and I am missing it. I have already lined up a sewing date with a friend next weekend (I think I will just use the time to re-introduce myself to my machines - I feel completely lost and will probably need the practice!). I am also definately, absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt going to be attempting these awesome beside tables. It's a bit out of my depth and I will no doubt require the assistance of Jdog and my dad and his power tools... but I WILL get them done - watch this space!
Ok folks, catch up done - thanks for stopping by again. Will be back soon I promise - positive thinking and crafting out the wahzoo....
Big, huge, humongous love