Sunday, 21 October 2012

Firstly - I feel I should apologise for my dreadful post last mid-week - I re-read it a few days later and realised that grammar and sentence structure, and making sense in general, goes out the window when posting tired. I knew when each blink took what felt like an hour that the post was going to be a bit wonky - whoops! Feeling much more refreshed and rested now -so let's go.

On my way to Proserpine for the doctor's appointment this week - I had to drive through the scene of a bush fire that had, the previous weekend, cut off the highway for hours and burnt out several properties in the area. My shakey phone photos don't do justice to how much space was burnt and stripped of all greenery on that stretch. 

It did get me to thinking about how destructive things in your life can burn out and chew up and destroy anything good that might be there too. I feel like my most destructive force in the past has been the barrowloads of guilt I feel for decisions and mistakes I have made in the past. I relive every moment I lied, every time I cheated, every selfish decision I made, every time I put something else ahead of what I knew was the right thing to do, every hurtful thing I said that I didn't mean, every fight I picked, every-single-shitty-thing. I know now, with the benefit of hindsight, that most of these occasions had a lot to do with being young, immature, having undiagnosed mental health issues, wanting freedom and not knowing what to do with it when I snatched it, being impressionable and doing the regular teenager/young adult survival thing. That doesn't stop the guilt creeping in, and with frightening regularity, me using this guilt as a reason for why conceiving a child has been so difficult for us ("maybe the universe doesn't want a person like me to create another life?"). 
I am happy to report that I am slowly recognising that thinking this way is not helpful or even correct - and that it is getting easier to deal with the guilt when it starts nagging. I try to spend more time focusing on what I am doing right in my life now - the decisions I am making that are making a huge difference to the positivity I surround myself with and our happiness. 
And I think it's starting to show - in the form of some pretty good news this week and getting the time to spend together this weekend just enjoying each others company. Sure it was just an early morning walk along the beach with the pooches (and my pa) and a BBQ breakfast afterwards - followed by a late night scary movie-athon by candlelight with a mountain of junk food - and a relaxing day today crafting, drawing, painting and watching movies. But it was soooooo good to just spend time together - like really together - not allowing our fertility issues to be the only thing we talk about, think about and focus on. Feeling refreshed and relaxed and pretty darn tootin' good at the end of this weekend - and this is even knowing I have to go to work tomorrow! 

Have a great week everyone - thanks for reading xx

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