The Elephant in the Room - an unfortunate use of this saying?

There's an elephant in the room - a topic that most people don't want to bring up when discussing our fertility journey - probably for fear of offending me or rubbing salt into "tender" wounds.

I am a big girl, both physically and emotionally. I wasn't always big physically (emotionally - always), although it has been so long since I was skinny I barely remember. According to a counsellor I used to see, my weight gain could be attributed to a time in my life where I was particularly vulnerable and was a subconscious decision to prevent myself from being a target physically. I am not sure if I buy into all that - just like I wasn't sure that my counsellor was any less crazy than how I felt at that time.

Either way, and for whatever reason, my weight has fluctuated (usually in the positive) a LOT since I was around 20 years old.

Some medical professionals have pointed out to me that a 5% drop in my weight could increase the chances of conceiving naturally by as much as 20%. Others have not placed as much stock in the importance of my weight in our fertility process.

Luckily - I am a realist - I know that being as healthy as possible could only be beneficial. I have stopped smoking and binge drinking (let's not count Fishing Classic weekend ok?) and I make more conscientious decisions about what I put in my body and my levels of physical activity. The results have been slow moving - but are there none the less. I mean, to go from NEVER drinking water - like literally EVER - to drinking 2 litres a day has gotta earn me some brownie points right?

The truth is, and this is NOT a cop out, I don't consider a person's physical appearance their most importance feature. I think if you are happy and healthy, and live your life in a considerate and humane way- that should be enough. Regardless of a person's size, there will always be areas that they aren't happy with. Don't get me wrong, if I woke up looking like Mila Jovovich you wouldn't be able to wipe the smile off my face for days but I bet I would still look in the mirror every now and then and wish my teeth weren't THAT perfect or my legs THAT long.

It is my humble opinion that both men and women have far too much pressure on them these days to look, act and feel a certain way. Individuality isn't looked at as a positive thing. Children strive to be "sexy" instead of smart or sporty or good human beings. The Kardashians and Paris Hilton's of this world earn billions of dollars being brash and soul-less and materialistic drones - while honest, humble professions like nurses, teachers and scientists are payed minimally and celebrated even less. "He's not tough enough - he must be weak/gay", "She's too fat/too skinny/not fashionable enough" "They don't earn enough money, they can't afford a new car", "She's a slut", "He's a fag" etc etc blah blah fricken blah. 

The worst part of it all is we do it to each other and ourselves. Like trying to get ahead in this world isn't hard enough without having our peers being all judgy wudgy. It is so unnecessary, unhelpful and unkind. Which is why I will continue to strive to be happy and healthy within myself - but the rest can figure itself out. If I stay the same size, so be it. If I drop a size or two - cool beans. Like I said last week, I have had the revelation that I have all I need to be content - the love of a good man and a family (Jon's AND mine) and friends who care, love and support us. A smaller butt would just be the icing on the cake a bonus.

My top 5 ways to make me happy this week:

• a visit from my little brother - far too short (the visit, not him!) but always lovely to see his cheeky face 
• watching a film called War of the Buttons - so sweet and heartwarming and adorable (even despite having to read subtitles)
• Eating the vegetables from our garden that Jdog so lovingly and carefully tends to every day - carrots, zucchini, beetroot, herbs-a-plenty mmmm mmmm!
• The new Gary Clark Jr album - meaty bluesy guitary goodness! Makes me wanna dance, drink whiskey and smoke a billion cigarettes - all at once!
• My first swim of the "summer" season in the ocean - took the puppies for a dip and could have stayed in for hours - there is no better beach-ing town on earth at this time of year than my sleepy old Bowen - lush....

Thanks for reading yet again xx